Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
