it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
