he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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