Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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