I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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