a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
