I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
