next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
