I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Someone came in the potted fern
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
