he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
