i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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