He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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