Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
