So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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