My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
