I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize