Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
What a dumb baby whore.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
