you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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