She is in my trunk
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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