He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
