Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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