I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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