I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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