My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
