the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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