Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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