4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize