I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
