I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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