I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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