Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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