Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
