I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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