i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize