barbara walters just said penis...
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
