Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I want a musical about memes.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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