Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
