if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
