apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
