Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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