Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
