Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
