My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I have aggressive nipples.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
