FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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