my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
