I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
