the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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