i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
