Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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