i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
