toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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