Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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