apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
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