How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
