I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize