I'm so fucking centered right now
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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