This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
