i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Randomize
