I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
