my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
bring money and cleavage
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
