Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Please don't give away my fajitas
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
