She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
